2025: Year of Fisher

It feels weird to become a known entity.

At the start of 2025, I had not made a vn. At the end of the year, I will have completed 6 with one mostly done and another few projects that haven't seen the light of day (for one reason or another). I am honestly very happy that I was able to finish so many projects in the year. Beyond that, it was fun (and also quite the learning experience) to host erohorror jam.

But I suppose if you have found your way to this blog, you are probably already familiar with some of the stuff I have gotten up to. I always find it interesting when artists I am following post blogs that really get into the meat of their experience, either on a personal level or about making games, or their thoughts and analysis of something, etc etc. So I'll just jump into that, instead of spending a lot of time talking about what I did this year lol.

Like I said at the start - it feels weird to become a known entity. By all accounts, nobody really knew about my games at first. Understandably so. I joined a small jam for my first game I made, and then a jam where my game would be drowned out by other entries. It isn't that wild or crazy that nobody knew about me, there wasn't really any way to have that happen in the first place. But... now I am known, even if its still not anything crazy. I host game jams now, along with the games I make, and I also have a few discord servers I own and help moderate. There are people who hear the name "Fisher" and have a sense of who that is.

Isn't that weird? Isn't that neat? Isn't that, at times, a little scary?

People form assumptions about the artists and the internet critters they encounter. They will assume things about me, as is just the way of the world. But I'll keep existing anyway, as I am, and the idea of what I am like will still exist in their heads, slowly shifting and changing with time.

I think this is something that anyone who becomes... known... will eventually think about and muse on. Plenty of people have talked about it on the internet. Everyone ends up having their own experience with it, anyhow. It feels weird, kinda, to get followed on itch or social media by folks you don't know at all. Like. How did you get here, lil critter? What was it that I made which had you click follow? What did you think about that experience? What am I like, in your head, if you even really think about me at all?

This isn't meant to sound self absorbed or anything, just like... an observation of reality. We are all, at every moment, thinking about things. Well. Barring dissociation and some kinda of meditation, I guess. But you probably get what I mean.

I am not a normal person. I don't think it is morally wrong to exist the way I do, but I just mean, I am not the most common type of individual in the world. In fact, online I like to be a dog. Woof woof and all that. People must think of that, sometimes. Some people probably read my intense gore and feel some sort of way, think some sort of thing of what I must be like to have created this/helped create this. I have no idea what it is that they are thinking, but I'm sure it happens. And that feels strange.

I think that part of why this is on my mind, is because of the ways in which I have come to better understand myself. I feel like I am gaining a better understanding of who I am and what I am like, and how I feel about that. Things that were hidden from my sight have become seen, things that I tried to ignore have become acknowledged. And as I think about myself, the idea that other people might be having thoughts too is interesting. I dunno. Welcome to my ramble blog of musings XD

I think this is just one of those things that happens to someone when they gain any kind of notoriety. It seems kinda inevitable that you end up thinking about it. People don't end up with a big head about their internet fame for no reason at all, ultimately. It's because they be thinkin.

Obviously, this shit has been on my mind, for me to ramble about it like this. But beyond that, I have also just been getting a better sense of myself, like I said. When I first made a vn, my goal was just to make something. When I was writing POMLY, it was after I had read things like HEATWAVE and Serious Weakness, and playing those games hurt. I liked that it hurt. I liked that it gave me catharsis afterwards.

I am someone who... Doesn't feel very in touch with my emotions, a lot of the time. I spend a lot of time feeling apathy. Even when I am (hypo)manic, I don't necessarily feel "happy" - sometimes I just feel full of energy. To feel something is a thing that I seek out. It's not like I want to struggle with feeling things, or understanding my own emotions - and so when I experience something that can evoke those feelings in me, I really appreciate and enjoy that. Like. Wow. I just got to feel things. That's cool! Of course, it's not like I am totally without emotion at all hours of the day or something. But it is a struggle to understand my emotions, or feels things, often enough that this is something I focus in on. When I made POMLY, I wanted to make the parts I wrote hurt because I wanted to provide a reader the chance to experience that catharsis I would sometimes chase after when reading something that hurt. And for a little while, making something that hurts, was my goal. But shortly after I finished writing POMLY, I realized the thing I actually cared about, was just writing stuff that could evoke an emotion. I didn't care about the catharsis as much as the ability to evoke something.

That's part of why I ended up honing in on the gore. Disgust is a very powerful emotion to tug on. Also, it helped that I didn't mind writing gore, and actually find it quite interesting, but it is still something that can create an emotional reaction in people. If I didn't have such intense autism and I had an easier time writing things like character dialogue, then I would tug on other emotions too. And I still plan to practice and try to do that anyhow. But as the easiest thing for me to pull on, feelings of fear and disgust and things of that nature are where I looked next.

Some people also find the things I write erotic. I understand that some stuff I write is... meant to feel that way. And some stuff feels erotic even if it wasn't really my intent. I'm not really a sexual being. I don't really understand some of that stuff, fully, but I know that it is something I can also pull upon, even if the way I do it can be a bit haphazard at times due to my lack of knowledge of some components of the sexual experience. It's not like I never feel it when reading something or engaging in media. It's just... an often very distant thing, for me.

Regardless, my goal is to evoke emotion in a reader. Similarly, I most enjoy works that can evoke an emotion in me. That is what I seek to accomplish and what I seek to experience, which probably explains a few things about why I write what I do and why I read and enjoy what I do.

Even beyond that, I have ideological opinions that support that anyhow. I'm a hedonist, although sometimes I call myself a "realistic" hedonist. I think the best thing to do in life is to try and enjoy it. But also, I understand that even if going to work isn't that enjoyable, I enjoy having money and an apartment and food more than I would enjoy not having a job but being homeless. That's my.... "realistic" hedonism XD

But I enjoy writing, and I enjoy making vns, and I enjoy getting to make people feel these things, so that's what I try and do.

But even beyond that, I also think that it is good to be kind to people, and good to help people, when you are able to do so. That's why like. It might be tiring, sometimes, to moderate a discord or run it, but it makes a lot of people happy and gives them a space to communicate, so I do it anyhow. And sometimes I enjoy chatting there and meeting people there as well, so it all works out.

People might form opinions about me, have thoughts about me, etc... but all I can do it try my best, and try to enjoy my life, so that's what I'll do.

I want to continue to write and improve my skill, so expect more vns in 2026. I may explore some other things outside of gore. Or maybe not. But if I'm writing about something, its ultimately because I want to write about it.

And if you read all of that - maybe you know a bit more about me, now.

Holy shit I almost forgot to talk about game jams. I wanted to talk about that.

I ran erohorror jam and that was pretty epic. Running a jam seems like a lot to folks, but it ain't so bad, really. Hardest part is running a discord if you want a place for folks to teambuild that isn't itch and isn't some bigger discord. Although I suppose it can also be hard for folks to get interest from people in the jam if they don't have much following or connections, so that definitely adds another layer.

I think it helped that I wanted to make a jam for some freak shit, so a few people shared it around, and also that I became known in the visual novel freakspace. Not like, a big name or nothing, but known, as I have already discussed.

Judging games is hard tho. I do not have it in me to play 36 games in a short time span and judge them all and have it not feel tiring at times. Also I was trying to do way too much. Was going to write a whole ass essay for every game. nuh uh that is wild for me.

Some of the games, I wasn't a fan of. I'll just go out and say it. I think everyone should make games and it is cool and epic to make games, but understandably... I will not vibe with everything. That's chill tho.

Some games, I turbo omega vibed with, obviously. Wild shit that I helped some of these games have a reason to exist, like, hell the fuck yes. I loved many games from the jam and I want people to keep making shit and going crazy with it. Let loose and get fucking freaky, folks.

I am very happy I will have some co-judges who will make my life a lot easier for Ryona Yuri Jam. I also have a better understanding, now, of like. How much I need to write for notes, and that trying to do something too extra will make the judging experience dreadful, and just different shit that will make it easier to read some of the games myself.

I think it's cool to make games and game jams tho. Go out and do that shit.